The Internet... It's Everywhere. Right?

When I was 18, I decided my mom’s house trailer wasn’t where I wanted to dwell forever.   So, I made it a priority to get a place of my own as kids that age do.   Intent on marrying my high school sweetheart, the opportunity to build an actual house with a low-cost builder, seemed like a great idea.

We converted a piece of farmland for our house.  We did everything to the grounds ourselves (with help of neighbors and family).  We turned over the dirt, knocked down the crop-rows and planted grass seed.   I put in my own clay driveway and a paver sidewalk.  We sodded, within our limited budget, around the house.  Time went on, I worked more.  Rented big equipment for variouds projects, did some landscaping, planted trees.   12 years and alot of work later, we had a pretty good looking yard for our growing family to play in. 

The thing about turning a cornfield into a yard, is that along the way you miss some really simple modern conveniences.   Underground utilities? Nope.  Cable?  Nope.  Natural Gas? Nope.

I was excited, then, when we recently bought a home in an established neighborhood.   The lots are huge (1 acre), the houses are nice and tenants are retirees and professionals.  There is an HOA but the "good" kind.   Underground utilities, sidewalks, sewer, natural gas, city water, cable – things that fade into the background of life and we take for granted.

I was excited to receive the fruits of someone else’s’ labor and investment.  Low voltage path lights – Check.  Inground saltwater pool – Check.  Composite Decking – Check.  Perimeter fencing - Check.  Lightposts - Check.
This guy's a C-Suite exec somewhere, surely the communications situation at the house is bitchin'.

The sweet, sweet idea of having actual options for internet connectivity!  No longer must I hijack bandwidth from some random book store or eatery to have a Google Hangout.   Good bye Gulf Telephone turned Gulftel turned Madison River Communicates turned CenturyTel.    Hello, sweet – sweet suburban cable internet or DSL.
It all sounded great.    Then the cable installers came.   6 of them to date.   Still unable to provide CATV or Internet service at my new suburbia abode.    Sweet dreams of 20 mb download and 5 mb upload speeds crumble to make way for phrases like “dead tap”, “serviceability overrides”, “city permits” and “construction delay.”

But wait!   I’m in sweet – sweet suburbia.  The “city life” is upon me and options spring like flowers from every nook of the cyber landscape.  I see the “BellSouth” box in my yard and AT&T wifi names up and down the street.  Heck, there are even at&t two 2wire DSL filters on the home phone lines..  Surely, AT&T will be my knight in proverbial shining armor.


“Your address isn’t serviceable.”   “No free ports.”   “You’ll have to wait for someone to move out or cancel service.”
To get internet, in this… the United States of America…. One of my neighbors needs to foreclose, die or otherwise relocate?  


I really don't think I should have to go all, Dexter - Stabby Stabby three doors down to the owner of the WIFI Network bearing the SSID, "LANCE RULZ" just to get my IP on.

Well, okay.. where there is a will, there is a way.  I work from home.  I have a business.  It’ll cost more but surely I can get a T1 or other Business class service at this address.  

Stop calling me Surely! 

Negative.  “Sorry.. this is a residence, not eligible for a T1.  Looks like our business DSL ports are all full too.”

I plead… I beg… please, oh sweet mah Bell, won’t you let me speak to someone local, someone from engineering – maybe someone who drives one of those 15 AT&T trucks I see around town. (The ones with cones strategically placed to look like fangs on the front of the vans.)

No soup for you, Shirley.

So, I sit here, in my awesome new little office, looking out the window at those fantastic underground utilities.   This AT&T box in my yard..  it isn’t doing ME any good.  If I were to buy some chain and rent a truck, latch on and rip her’ out of my yard – surely I’d meet some local At&t dudes on my way to jail.

A very good, well-connected and patient friend a few Cities over, leaned on a guy to talk to a guy that knows the situation and is looking into it on their side..   Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile in MediacomLand…. 20 Phone calls, 6 techs onsite and 4 weeks later – still no CATV or Internet.   Won’t someone…. Take my money?

On the bright side, Thank you, trusty LTE iPad for providing me costly-yet-reliable and fast sips of internet during this most heinous connectivity drought.

As for wired options?  I could get internet service in a cornfield.   But not in a middle class, well established neighborhood.